Saturday, May 28, 2011


                I feel like I’m cheating myself. Maybe it’s because I’m growing older or maybe it’s because I’m slowly taking steps out of the cage I locked myself in after the divorce. I don’t know. I’m sure it has a lot to do with how much self-examination has been done of late. Either way, the sides I have are so distinct, I think I ought to have been a Gemini… or diagnosed with multiple personalities.
                There is one side of me that writes deeply personal stories, listens to classical music, watches foreign films, and loves live theater. She takes a deep breath before speaking, offers well thought out advice to her friends in need, and weighs the possible reactions before doing anything. She prefers classic, comfortable clothes and wouldn’t dream of wasting time on such a silly thing as make up before working in the kitchen. She is firm and disciplined. You might find her in a coffee shop, inhaling the aromas of her grande latte (no whip, no flavors, please), and reading a book on comparative religion or editing a photograph of a tastefully done nude. She is guarded and insecure. She attempts to find goodness in everyone. She wants a deep, romantic relationship with a guy that will adore her and adopt her son as his own….. in time, once we’re settled.
                Then, there is the other side of me that likes pop music and/or rock. She has tattoos, curses like a sailor, and drinks hard alcohol. She likes to speed in her car and really, really wants to say all the inappropriate things that pop into her head (seriously, have you seen the size of our carrots at work? They inspire- nay, demand- dirty thoughts!). She’s sarcastic, snarky, and cynical, and nothing pleases her more than a night on the town with fun, loud people. She believes in vengeance, laughs really loudly, and wants nothing right now than to find that perfect shade of red lipstick to go with the kiss prints on her underwear. Girl talk is her number one hobby and all she really wants in a guy is someone who can help her figure out the intricacies of Karma Sutra Positions #87, 93, 34, and 109… oh, and how do you do that thing with the…..? But don’t even think of meeting her kid because she’ll be gone in a few months and that particular boyfriend doesn’t belong in the long term plan.
                Then, there’s that third side that speaks softly, smiles shyly, and LOVES flowers and kittens and puppies and aren’t these peonies just the most lovely shade of pink? They simply must be picked and put upon the dresser. And everything is soft kisses and shades of romance. She’ so achingly honest that she’d beaten back by the other, more robust sides that simply could not stand to see her hurt. And she crushes on all the attractive boys *sigh*
                Needless to say, things get a little confusing and I often feel like the Jack-of-All-Trades-Master-of-None. If I hang with people who can’t quite step away from the high school bullshit conversations that, unfortunately, linger on well past graduation, I start to wonder about the book I left on my nightstand or the quickest way to swim in deeper waters. If the conversation veers too far in the opposite direction, I suffer a log jam of snark and step up to the bar for a mimosa or six. Either way, I feel a bit like a fish out of water in any pond.

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